SIDE NOTE: before I write this. He or she might not see it but if you’re reading this please please please message me and just let me know you’re okay. I only just saw the message and I’ve never been more worried about someone I’ve never met. Please message me if you’re reading this.
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POV: first person.
I sit in the room with Castiel and Dean watching friends re-runs and drinking coffee. Sam sat in the other room researching something, we all didn’t care enough to ask him what exactly he was googling, we just let him get on with it. “I don’t understand that” Castiel refers to one of the sex jokes and Dean explains it. “Oh. OH. Oh my father. Is that legal?” He asks in surprise. I nod in response.
“Y/N, come here please” Sam shouts me and I walk to his desk. “I can’t find that thing you wrote up the other day” he looks up at me confused. I skim through the files before realising I mustn’t’ve saved it. “Give me an hour and I’ll re-type it” he hands me it and I sit down to begin writing it again. He asks Dean and Cas to go shopping with him, only Cas agrees. When they leave Dean offers me another Coffee before making himself one and taking it upstairs to his room, leaving me to my own business. I take my cardigan off and the red cuts make me question putting it back on but since no one can see me I decide to leave it off. An hour and a half later, Sam and Cas arrive home. “Thank you for that” Sam tells me as he begins to put the shopping away, “make sure you save it” we both laugh a little before I leave the desk to help him pack away. Cas makes us all a hot coco before asking “where’s Dean? I need to see him” me and Sam exchange looks and I tell him he’s upstairs. “Cute” I say to Sam. He nods. He hands me several coffee tins and I open the large cupboard to place them in. He looks at me for a moment, for some reason he looks upset. He smiles when he realises I noticed him staring. I make my way to my room with my coco and he goes to his own. I play my music quietly and sit on my bed scrolling through my social media. About 7 pm Sam enters my room. “Y/N?” He asks and I switch my lamp on. he sits on the bottom of my bed, yet he leaves the door open. I get up to close it before sitting back down next to him. “What are those marks?” He asks, referring to my cuts and scars. I tug at my shirt sleeve and pull it down further. “They’re just cuts, from…hunting. When we got attacked I got scratched” you lie. “Y/N, we haven’t been on a hunt in 3 weeks. Those are fresh. Are you okay?” He asks and I just nod. “Are they self-harm?” He asks again, earning another nod. He pulls me into him and a few years escape my eyes. “Why?”
“Sometimes it all gets a bit too much. Like, I realise, after this ends, I’m nothing. I don’t have a degree to fall back on, I don’t have a family, I don’t have any friends except Charlie, and now she’s dead. I’m scared to fail, I’m scared to not have anything. I’m terrified that one day we could all have to go out own ways, or worse, my children could have to do this. I don’t want that for my kids. No way do I want that for my kids. This whole thing is bullshit! I have nothing except you Dean and Cas, and that scares me. Am I really that dislikeable? am I so dislikeable that no one wants anything to do with me?” I gush out all of my emotions and thoughts at once and by the end of it, I’m crying. I shouldn’t be crying but I am. “Listen, you have me and Dean and Cas, you have Crowley, Rowena, Chuck, we all love you” I laugh a little “Rowena almost killed me once and Crowley hates us” he smiles and nods. “Yeah, maybe they weren’t the best examples, but still, even if you don’t have a degree to fall back on you’re still so smart and can always go and get yourself one. You have friends. You have a lot of friends. What about Claire and Jodie? They’ve always been there for you. You have Dean and Cas, you always say they’re like your older brothers that you never wanted” his shirt ends up wet with my tears. “I love you” he tells me after I stop crying. “You’re only saying that because you have to” I tell him and dry my eyes. He shakes his head “no, I love you. Like actually love you. I love the way you talk, I love the at you smile, I love the way you’re sarcastic towards people, I love how you don’t even have to bother with your appearance and you still look like a goddess, I love the way that you don’t think of yourself to be superior to others, I love everything about you except these,” he holds my arm “I hate these, you shouldn’t have to ever feel like this is the only way of coping, I’ve always, always, always been here for you and I always will. I love you, Y/N. I love you.” He finishes his speech and I begin to cry again. “Come here” he pulls me towards him and picks me up, I cry into his shirt once again, one hand covering my face, the other around his neck. I feel him place my body under the sheets of the covers and hear him kick off his shoes. We both lie in my bed, me crying and him rubbing circles on my back. He leaves the room when I stop crying. I switch off the light and up the covers up to my neck. Just as I’m about to fall asleep he comes back in, my fluffy white pyjamas in one hand and another one of his shirts in The other. He hands me my clothes and they’re still warm. I throw them on and smile at him. “Thank you for everything” I tell him. “It’s okay, I really do love you, you know. I meant everything I said earlier. Every single bit of it” he tells me before pulling me into my bed with him. “Sam?” I whisper quietly after half an hour. I hear A quiet ‘mmhm’ in response. “I love you too.” His grip on my body tightens and even though I can barely just see the outlines of his face I still find my way to his lips. “I really love you” I tell him and he smiles before kissing me again. “Promise me you won’t hurt yourself again?” He asks me. I nod. “I promise.” I switch off the lamp once again and begin to drift off into a deep sleep.
When engineers are bored.
Engineers are witches
You can do it with your stove too
(via zyrannosaurusrex)
